Two Years Ago

Two years ago today we didn't know if I was going to live or die. Two years ago today we knew that our baby was sick and was making me sick but didn't know what to do about it. I started to crash so they took me to the CICU so they could put a central line to my heart. My poor husband was given that horrible choice of "who would you LIKE us to save? We don't know if we can save either of them but we will work hard to save the one you choose." That is a conversation I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I am having a lot harder of a time this year for Emily's birthday. Last year I had her on my mind all day I even went out to the cemetery but I was still miserable and prego with Cameron so I think my mind was focused on something else. This year its like I can't catch a break. Ryan's birthday was harder than ever maybe because it was his 25th birthday don't know. I am happy and I love Cameron and wouldn't trade him for anything I just wish I could have them both. Yes I know that sounds selfish but it is the truth. I am so jealous of other people and there baby girls. I am happy for them but how I wish that was me. I teach a hairbow class usually once a week and I work in a ribbon store where I help people all day long pick out cute ribbon for there baby girls. People say to me all the time while I am teaching my class "I can't believe that you don't have any girls that must really stink." I do have a girl but she was to perfect to come to this world and I usually don't say anything because it's to hard to explain and then you get the your pitiful look.
I am so thankful for the knowledge of the gospel that I have and to know that I will have the opportunity to raise my little one just not during this lifetime. I have the comforting thought that my little brother Ryan is taking care of her for me as well as my other children who have not yet come. I have this feeling that Ryan and Cameron both know her. There little spirits are so much closer to the veil then mine is. I know she is in a good place but I miss her so much it hurts. I have been trying to keep myself insanely busy today but I did my normal blogstocking this morning and check on my friend Anjane's blog and totally fell apart. She lost her little baby Jackson and in her post pretty much said everything that I was thinking. I have gotten so many little thinking of you things today I can't tell you all how much I have appreciated it. Happy Birthday Little Angel Baby