Happy 4th Birthday

We did make it out to the cemetery for Emily's birthday. We took the boys to Hobby lobby so we could get some new flowers and fun windmill things like we always do. Both boys got to pick out what they wanted and then we headed out to the cemetery. I did better this pregnancy with going there. I don't make it to the cemetery very often. I think its a personal thing and some people don't agree with the fact that I don't go there more often then I do. I know and sometimes feel her near me. The boys are always excited to take stuff to Emily's grave.

Ryan really makes sure that everything is perfect.

My cute little boys. Its interesting because the boys never saw Emily. But they know her Cameron was born after Emily and Ryan never came to the hospital after I had her since I was so sick. I know that everyone says that the vail is thin and especially with little kids. I know that Cameron knew his sister before he came to our family. I am very thankful for the knowledge that we have of eternal families. I am so grateful that I will have the opportunity to raise baby Emily. I am sad that I can't now I can just imagine her as a four year old running around driving her brothers crazy. I hope you know how much I love you little one. I know that you are being well taken care of in Heaven by other family members. You have your uncle Ryan who is the best and now your Great Grandpa Bird. I remember when Gpa was sick and kind of in and out. He said that he saw you and your sister. I will never forget that. He couldn't tell me anything cuz he was mostly sleeping but one time when he was awake towards the end I told him that he better help take care of you. I heard him say that you are so pretty. I know you are and I am so glad that I was able to have that experience with him.

Happy Birthday little one

Service Pictures

Since we had Emily in January and got that call in March that we need to handle services we didn't tell a lot of people about it. We didn't want a full blown funeral but we decided to just dedicate the grave and then have a few people over to the house for lunch. My parents flew in my Gma's sister DeAnna was already here a couple of friends and some of Blaine's family. That was about it and I think that was enough.

Our friend Paula worked at Meldrum's Mortuary so when everything happened Blaine called her and she handled everything. By the next morning she let us know that they had gotten to the hospital to pick her up and that she was here in Mesa. We had gone and picked out her little casket as well has her headstone. After we finished with Paula we went to the cemetery to pick out her plot. They had a couple different infant sections and right away Blaine and I both picked the newer part because it was on sprinklers instead of irrigation. Not that it matters but to us at the time it did. Linda does a lot for Newborns in need. Newborns did give me a bereavement package but Linda wasn't happy with what they gave me. I picked out a dress and fabric and Linda made it. I knew that my baby wouldn't be without a bow so I made one. We asked Paula about seeing her and everyone there said no. Because of the time laps from the time she was born to the time we  buried her it would of not been a good thing for us to see her. I gave Paula the things that we made for her and she took care of it.

I am so glad that my friend Jen was there to help with Ryan. I didn't have to worry about him because she walked around with him. It took a huge amount of stress off of me. My parents that flew in are also in this picture. There is no way I could of handled this day without my dad being there. He has always been my rock. He knew what I was feeling that day since he to has buried a child.

My parents, my Gpa, DeAnna, Gma and my Grant parents

I didn't get pictures this day I am pretty sure my brother in law took these but at least I have something from that day.

Blaine and Paula talking before everything started.

Blaine dedicated the grave and did such a great job and we both for the most part held it together so I was proud of us for that.

My Grant family got the pink flowers for the top of the casket. Just like I did for my brother I had to have red roses so Blaine and I got the red rose basket as well.

Ryan didn't have a clue about anything going on. He thought that all the little toys and things on other kids graves where all pretty cool.

After we all headed back to the house and had some lunch

Ryan decided he wanted to take a picture so this is I think the only picture of Blaine and I that day. Well i guess Cris is here to.

Once again thank you to everyone who came to support us that day. Even 3 years later it is still hard to think back on the situation. We couldn't have gone through this without our friends and family.

Ultrasound pics ect

Since I have decided to make this blog I decided I need to find all the pictures that I have. I am not including the pictures that the hospital gave me. I have seen them however my husband has not. I never saw her that day. I saw her feet and then I passed out so I didn't see the pictures the hospital gave me till a week later. If I wouldn't have been fighting for my own life I am sure a lot of things would have been different about that day but I am grateful for the things that I do have. The hospital did give me her footprints and I have them hanging in my room along with my other kids. I have a book that I put together for her with some of the ultrasound pictures and things in a book for Emily. Today I decided to scan all of the things that I am wanting to keep.

I had an ultrasound done at 16 weeks because they where worried about Emily having downs. We didn't find out till she was born that she did not have it.

I love the cute little baby toes pictures

Alien baby face pictures are great as well. The funny thing is in the pictures that the hospital gave me showed that she had cleft in her chin just like Blaine does.

It's A Girl

This is the one thing that I totally love that I got from the hospital. She is sticking with my other kids and has big feet. All the doctors and nurses where so surprised at how big she was for being born at 25 weeks and 5 days. So if she would of kept cooking they said she would of been around 9ish pounds. Sounds about right for my big kids.

Happy Birthday My Angel Baby

Today my little Emily would have been 3 years old. This year has been harder than other years I think because I have been under a lot of stress with things, not to mention the fact that I thought we would be having a baby soon if I wouldn't of had that miscarriage last summer. I figured that we would be pregnant again by now. Every time we have gone off birth control I was pregnant with in a month or so. I haven't been on birth control since my miscarriage and still not prego. I try and not let those negative thoughts that something is wrong with me creep in but sometimes they do. Blaine and I are both in the mind set of it will happen when it happens. I keep thinking with the changes that could be coming to our family that maybe it isn't the time to have a baby since I may have to go back to work full time. We went while Nana and Gpa where here to get some cute stuff for Emily's birthday to take out to the cemetery. Ryan picked out some cute metal flowers and windmills, super cute flowers and Nana even got a little angel for it. We went home and put everything together and took it out to the cemetery since my parents had to leave super early today. It is good to know that my little Brother is taking care of her and that I don't have to worry. I am so very greatful for the knowledge of eternal families and that I will be able to see my little one agian.

Cemetary

I did make it out to the cemetery on Emily's birthday but this is the first chance I have had time to post anything. When we got there we found these cute flowers and little Happy Birthday balloon. My mother in law had been out there and put them out it was so nice of her.

When we got her headstone put in it came with a vase but at the time there was a problem with people stealing the vases and taking them to scrap yards and selling them so I haven't had it out there until now. Monday at work I put something together so I had it ready to go.This is the first time Cameron has been out to the cemetery and he did really good. He loved playing in what is left of the grass even though he got hayfeaver from it. This is the cute little bow and flowers that I put together then I added the balloon and pink flowers that my mother in law got.It was funny because Ryan was standing by me one minuet and the next I hear him saying "wait mom I have to get something" He went to the truck and got this little car. "He said now that is better." I asked him if he was going to leave it there and he said yes. What a sweet little man I love him so much. I had my camera with me so I go some pretty cute pictures of the boys.The end product of all the cute little things that where left for my sweet angels birthday.Look at that happy baby.Look at how happy Cameron looks that Ryan is putting leafs and grass in his hair.

Two Years Ago

Two years ago today we didn't know if I was going to live or die. Two years ago today we knew that our baby was sick and was making me sick but didn't know what to do about it. I started to crash so they took me to the CICU so they could put a central line to my heart. My poor husband was given that horrible choice of "who would you LIKE us to save? We don't know if we can save either of them but we will work hard to save the one you choose." That is a conversation I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I am having a lot harder of a time this year for Emily's birthday. Last year I had her on my mind all day I even went out to the cemetery but I was still miserable and prego with Cameron so I think my mind was focused on something else. This year its like I can't catch a break. Ryan's birthday was harder than ever maybe because it was his 25th birthday don't know. I am happy and I love Cameron and wouldn't trade him for anything I just wish I could have them both. Yes I know that sounds selfish but it is the truth. I am so jealous of other people and there baby girls. I am happy for them but how I wish that was me. I teach a hairbow class usually once a week and I work in a ribbon store where I help people all day long pick out cute ribbon for there baby girls. People say to me all the time while I am teaching my class "I can't believe that you don't have any girls that must really stink." I do have a girl but she was to perfect to come to this world and I usually don't say anything because it's to hard to explain and then you get the your pitiful look.
I am so thankful for the knowledge of the gospel that I have and to know that I will have the opportunity to raise my little one just not during this lifetime. I have the comforting thought that my little brother Ryan is taking care of her for me as well as my other children who have not yet come. I have this feeling that Ryan and Cameron both know her. There little spirits are so much closer to the veil then mine is. I know she is in a good place but I miss her so much it hurts. I have been trying to keep myself insanely busy today but I did my normal blogstocking this morning and check on my friend Anjane's blog and totally fell apart. She lost her little baby Jackson and in her post pretty much said everything that I was thinking. I have gotten so many little thinking of you things today I can't tell you all how much I have appreciated it. Happy Birthday Little Angel Baby

Pictures from Emily's Birthday

I did post about the year anniversary of Emily but I didn't post any pictures. Better late than never right. January 26th we did go out to the cemetery to put some new flowers when we got there we noticed that there was a couple of people who had also been by and left some flowers as well. So thank you to you who did that even though we don't know who you where we very much appreciate it. Ryan helped me cut down the stems of our flowers then we combined all the flowers. These are the flowers that we found when we got there

Ryan showing the flowers that we picked out

Ryan helping mommy

What a good little helper

The finished flowers with everyone accounted for Ryan did such a great job helping me put it together. Thank you again to whoever brought he other flowers.